Shayne's Story

I was born May 31st, 1983, raised by my grandmother and grandfather, aunts and uncles in the mean, rough and rugged streets of Northside Winnipeg. My mother passed when I was almost three, in a motorcycle accident. There was alcohol involved. My mother's passing affected me in various ways; not growing up with a mother, the loneliness, the feeling that I did not have a whole family and the instability it comes with. On Aberdeen and Salter, the gang, poverty and drug-stricken neighborhood is where I first felt the wrath and effects created from intergenerational trauma from my grandfather, in the form of being whipped with a big brown belt with the word ‘Mexico’ on it. My grandfather was domestically violent towards my grandmother for approximately 15 years, as his drinking worsened. My grandfather, whose nick name is ‘Silver Fox’ as his hair was almost all silver/grey, was a kind man, funny, hard working, and a good provider for us, even loving, but when he drank all that went away. Real Jekyll n Hyde as I'd call it now. 

My grandmother, Dalene Agnus Lagimodiere was a sweet, loving, amazing, “go above and beyond to help others,” type of woman. It was her who raised me after my mother's passing. She tried protecting me as well as she could from the chaos and violence that was all around me. She comes from a broken alcoholic up bringing, I realize now that she didn't have the necessary skills, tools, or knowledge on how to give me what I needed. She did her best to shield me from the world, from my mistakes, from my actions; I was never at fault. Once the cops brought me home and in trying to protect me, she lied to the police so I could get off. It's truly where codependency and so many isms started in my life.

Between my grandfather and just never feeling right, I was pushed to the streets. I grew up with a predominantly Indigenous gang created in the late eighties until I was 14. My life consisted of selling marijuana at a spot we called 'The Dirty Merch.’ Here we fought rivals for sales, smoked weed, drank all hours of the day, committed violent acts against each other because it gave us a rush, the power, the dominance and fear. 

On one of these occasions, I was shoved into the window by a bunch of older boys, who were aged 16 to 18 years old. "Original Gangsters," as we called them. I vaguely remember them shoving me through this window, as I fell to the concrete floor and smashed my head, dazed, confused, I got up and did what they demanded. I opened the front door for them. As we ran back to the house with liquor and cartons of cigarettes, I went upstairs, opened the door and there was an 80 year old man I knew from my neighborhood. He was sitting up in his bed looking at me terrified and yelling words I couldn't make out. I froze. I didn’t know what to do. I was petrified. It seemed like hours but was only seconds. I turned and ran and didn't look back. 

There was another occasion shortly after that B&E where I was at a house party with the same group of older boys where I was the taped to a wall naked, after a long night of drinking. I was laughed at, spit on, had liquor dumped on me, and touched inappropriately by various girls. I was totally humiliated and left there for what seemed like hours, but it was only thirty minutes or so. I carried that humiliation for many years. Continuous work and spiritually seeking has been my only reprieve from that horrible night. From that point it was just more drinking, more of that kind of lifestyle, and actions. I was a lost soul seeking anything to numb and try and make sense of the chaos around me. 

When I turned 18, I went to jail. I was 125 pounds and in a place that looks like a horror movie called Stony Mountain. Fear hit me immediately as I walked through those doors. The writing on the wall states, "Walk softly honky's this is an Indian joint.” I was terrified. Looking around all I could see were 250 pound tattooed up, scarred up, scary looking monsters. It was ruled by violence, extortion, intimidation, manipulation and fear. Guards allowed violence to happen, drugs to come in, and the damaging of our dignity; everything was taken from us. How they treated us was deplorable. I served two more sentences for armed robbery. It was years of the same thing; poker, violence, suicide attempts and thoughts, hearing sexual acts, and just being apart of that and institutionalized system and criminal addictive cycle. At the end of that last sentence, I got a letter from a long-time friend from Winnipeg named Carla K. She had moved to Calgary some years prior, and it was the start to changing her life. She was studying to be a Registered Nurse. So, at that time in my journey, it seemed like a good idea to move to Calgary, Alberta. Since I was on federal parole, I was placed in a halfway house in a poverty-stricken gang area called Forest Lawn. 

All was good for some time. I was working for the first time as a residential rebar laborer. It's the first time I had that responsibility and accountability. I was proud of myself. I only lasted for three months when I met drug a named crystal meth. Within days of using, I lost my job for lying to my boss, missing work and having paranoid and psychotic episodes. In the halfway house, I thought people were coming through the window and the walls to get me. This was honestly a terrifying time. I was sent back to a federal institution in Alberta and was released again in four months. I was back on meth emphatically running around the Forest Lawn downtown core for days thinking people were chasing me. Four months later I was released again and back on the meth. For days I could be seen running around in an area in Calgary called Inglewood chasing cars asking them for help, screaming at them, “please help me they're chasing me, they're going kill me!" I can only imagine now how I terrified some of those people. Insanity, homelessness, the cycle of crime, lying, stealing, causing this beautiful city havoc, went on for another year. Then my Higher Power found me on lead me to the 12-steps of recovery.

May 8th, 2018 I walked in to Alpha House Detox Centre and started my journey of healing. It was an amazing experience. There the staff were kind, loving and helped me with my first big anxiety attack. I was only there a couple weeks and God guided me to an all-male treatment centre called Simon House. 

The four months, it was an amazing experience, where I met amazing staff members that I have the pleasure now to call friends. From the recovery coaches to the counselors, they all touched my heart and guided me to where I am today. It was there I was also introduced to Cocaine Anonymous and the 12 steps. This is where my self discoveries, awareness that my behaviors, ideals beliefs, values and lack of God/Creator became the guiding factors of my destructive life. Simon House/ 12-steps recovery, The Bible and the big book was the beginning of my relationship with my Higher Power and living this life of recovery. 

In step 1, I had to concede to my inner most self that I was that hopeless alcoholic addict; that I was lost, afraid and powerless; and that I had to surrender my own choices, thoughts and life. I also learned that I am sick, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically, that I have a disease that affects my mind and my body. I also get these mental blank spots where I can't remember all the pain from my years of benders. It's a phenomenon of craving where I just can't stop.

In step 2, I'm asked to become willing. I don’t have to believe in anything in particular, just something other than me. Also, it’s not that God I grew up feeling judge by and black sheeped. It’s only belief in a Power greater than myself because I’m so messed up. In the beginning I was willing to be with my sponsor. This was easy as I accepted in Step 1 that my life was unmanageable. I was done hurting my family, going to jail and living that life. I also believed my sponsor when he said that a Higher Power restored him to sanity. For those reasons I was willing to believe. 

Step 3 is where I made the decision to turn my crazy will and life over to the care of this Higher Power that was being created in this process. What this means to me is that I start by paying attention to my thoughts and my behaviors and started learning what God wants me to do in my life. I also read the 3rd step prayer daily on my knees for the first year. “God, I offer myself to Thee to build with me and to do with me as you will. Relieve me of the bondage of self, so that I may better do your will. Take away my difficulties, let victory over them, bear witness to the ones I will help with your power, your love, and you way of life. May I do your will always. Hi Hi Amen.” I said that and meant it. 

Step 4 is the first time I launched out on a course of vigorous action. I started cleaning these things that have been blocking me; my defects of character. It was imperative for me to unearth and look at three main parts of my malady: Fears, resentments and sexual relations. By opening these windows to myself, I become more aware of how these things manifest and how to battle them in my days to come. I ask myself in most things today, where have I been selfish, dishonest, and inconsiderate? Did I hurt anyone in any way today? And the biggest one is, where am I at fault? What could have I done differently? It's my honest desire to let my Higher Power guide me to continually direct my conduct and see life from a different mirrored aspect. 

If I don’t do a thorough Step 5, I put my recovery at risk. For the first time ever in my life I had an honest, non-judgmental conversation with someone else about all the things that haunt me, that keep me in bondage, the souls I tormented and the trauma I've endured. It’s my entire life story. It's like a horror story, to which some may relate to. I share a safe space with God, my sponsor, and myself. I shed so many years of destructive layers and inner traumas. This truly was the start of me forgiving myself and others and accepting myself for that monster I was and facing God. 

Step 6 is the step that separates the men from the boys, the determined from the skeptic, the ones that are willing to see every defect in them selves and give them up from the ones that give up. This is my birth to a new way of life. None of this works if I don’t want to recover. 

Step 7 is where in every instance my defects come up in all relations. I'm humbly praying and reaching out for help as I don't want to allow my defects to ruin my relationships and cause much pain within. In this step humility is a must; I’m giving up defects, facing destructive behaviours for the first time ever, and trying to face life on God’s terms. It's tough but I had to do this. I also read the step 7 prayer on my knees for the first year and I still do to this every day. I read it and mean it, and I direct the words. Doing this over and over again switched my thinking and then my actions. 

Step 8 is where I make a list with my sponsor on all the people in my past that I've harmed and that have harmed me. It's my first time ever looking at the people I've manipulated, lied to, stole from, assaulted; family I put through years of psychological torture and girlfriends I've abused. In my past I would go to any lengths for victory. 

Step 9 is where I am really apologizing and seeing how my behaviours affected others. I'm facing them armored up with guidance from my sponsor, knowing my wrongs and I have faith that I have to do this step, or I would never truly forgive myself or others and will drink again. To use is to die, emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. This step helped me work though putting someone's pain that I've caused at ease and to see where and how what I did to them is a gift today that step 9 has given me.

Step 10 is where I continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentments and fear daily in all I do. Whenever one of these defects, ignorance, negative words, or hurt feelings, pops up, I give them to God with prayer. I phone a pillar, spiritual friend or sponsor and let them know what just happened. My mind lied to me through out this whole process of the steps and still does, so I must reach out and get someone's else’s perspective so I may make amends in a timely manner. Spot check inventory. Love and tolerance is my code today.

In Step 11 I am seeking through prayer and meditation to continue to grow and build the foundation with my Higher Power. The step 11 prayer has been of tremendous help for me. When I retire in the evening, I look at page 87 and ask myself, where have I been resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid? Do I owe an apology? Should I share with someone something I went through today? Was I kind and loving towards all? What could I have done better? Was I thinking of myself most of the day? Was I being what God wanted me to be today? These are just some questions I ask myself for the step 11 daily inventory. Prayer and meditation are key for me in this step. I pray it loud anywhere anytime I need to; for daily meditation I do breathing techniques and guided daily readings for my fellowships. 

Step 12 is about putting together everything from detox, treatment, practically applying the steps, growing through troubling times, learning, staying open, being willing to look at myself and of course I take other men through this big book. Continuous healing, dealing and feeling whatever comes at me, I only have a daily reprieve today. I choose to act out in a loving manner, forgiving, understanding, accepting this world for whatever it is. To spiritually maintain oneself is the greatest path this life can lead me. Love, respect, and good vibes! Thank you for letting me share my story with you. I truly hope this can touch someone's heart and give them the hope that we can recover from anything.

 Shayne Bonenfant